sticky

everyone wants someone to blame when things aren’t going their way. it makes the load of stress easier to handle for a while. knowing, or believing, that it’s not your fault. if something doesn’t go according to plan, you’ll just blame it on the day and not your planning skills or lack thereof. if something actually turns in your favor then, of course, your handiwork is all over it… you have no one else to thank but yourself.

…

Yeah… where have I been?

It’s been a very long tine since I’ve visited this blog, even longer since I’ve posted. I didn’t necessarily forget that I had this, I just neglected it so to say. I’ve long past graduated high school, but am not enrolled in school just yet, I’m trying my best to do what I can while I’m free so that there’ll be very little regrets while attending school. At the same time, this makes me feel like a failure.

Seeing all of my classmates go on to college to get a start on their lives and I’m still here looking for life.

Up…Up…and Away….

I sit here, listening to Boots of Dora the Explorer explain the meaning of ‘ariba’ and ‘bajo’, saying adios to whatever is left to be considered a childhood, overwhelmed by nostalgia.

I turn 18 in eleven days. In eleven days, I receive a new set of expectations to uphold and honor. In eleven days, by law, I become an adult. I’ve never felt so much pressure caused by aging.

I know that when I grow much older, this feeling will return, maybe stronger. I’ll miss the carelessness associated with being a child, I’ll miss running into the comforting arms of my mom at the first sight of a bloody cut, and I’ll miss being escorted to school by my very own driver; dad. But most of all, I’ll miss my overall ignorance of the world outside of the picture that had been painted for me.

I know that there’ll be times when I’ll just want to lay in my mother’s arms and tell her about my day and escape from the world for a while, but for some reason or other, I’m not going to be able to… And my parents will not have the satisfaction of knowing that their daughter is safely sleeping in the next room.

Up and away. That’s how children grow. I can easily understand why any parent would dread their children going off to college, or any sort of event which will take their child from them. Having their son or daughter gain all sorts of life experiences, but without them. Not being able to kiss their kid goodnight or surprise them in the morning with pancakes. Simply not seeing them… 

Perhaps I’m over-thinking it all, after all, it’s what I’m good at. Maybe I’m making a big something out of nothing…

 

Take care, please.

Click…Click…

I should invest in a camera.

Summer is almost here and along with it comes beauty that dies to be captured and remembered. From beach parties to some random sunset/rise, each moment is frozen in time to preserve a memory, a though, or a feeling.  

I’m horrible at remembering to develop film…

 

Take care, please.

Freedom…?

Here I am, months without posting, to reclaim my existence (or whatever is left of it) after exiting the succubus-like thing formally known as school.

I’ve graduated (finally!!), but somehow, I still don’t feel that certain sense of freedom that usually follows days after the end of the school year, the feeling of “nothing but fun and relaxation from here on”-feel.

The obvious and simple explanation is that there is no fun or relaxation from this point. I’ve graduated, which means that I have to start cutting my own path now. There’s no waiting around for next school term; the pre-cut road. Whatever I choose to do with my time now is up to me. But, that isn’t as welcoming to adulthood as it may seem. I’ve become used to the guidance and rut that school has formed. I’d much rather have to  return to school next term.

Reality’s a bitch….

Take care, please.

Random, basically.

Some friends and I were on the way to school one warm, lovely morning when we decided to pick up breakfast along the way. Many of them had something containing eggs or other and orange juice. Suddenly, everyone began to talk almost at once. It was far from pleasant what graced my nostrils… So I wrote minutes later a wanna-be haiku:

The car is so hot
Smells swim across the dense air
Please close your mouth, thanks.*

*Available in scratch-n-sniff.

Passed

Today I learned that an old babysitter of mine passed today. I can’t honestly say that I’m very upset by this — she was so mean-spirited and hurtful. When ever I had to stay with her, or vise versa, she made me sit in one spot until my parents returned. Even then she would report to my parents that I had been a disrespectful “brat”. On her good days, she assigned me verses in the bible to read and I had to tell her what I had learned afterwards. Each time, I would tell her that I didn’t understand which made her upset and send me back to isolation.

I can understand why my parents chose her for the job. She was well aged, probably twice the sum of my parents’ age at the time, so she was well experienced, and she wore a mug that would scare any child into submission. Every word that escaped her lips resembled the tone of an insult, everything about the wrinkled woman was simply oppressive.

However, I am mildly sympathetic to her family. To them, she was an angel; the best grandma/aunt/mother of all. I’m sure that they’ll miss her more than anyone.

______________

My Dear Friend,

If only they could see the world through our eyes. If only they were able to see past superficial qualities and take a look inside. No, this is not inhuman; it’s human nature.   We all search to be loved, we’ve just found ours in different places, slightly out of the norm, that’s all. We brave the role of the “black sheep”.

There’s nothing wrong with us, no matter how they may try to ”convert” us and try to convince us that our ways are sinful and are a ”one way ticket to hell”. That is all thoughtful of them, I suppose you could say, but we are happy being who we are: happily same.

But, in the end, if there is truly a hell that awaits people like us, I wouldn’t regret a moment of my life, our life. I will undoubtedly proceed into the depths of hell, hand in hand, unchanged, with you.

With Much Love,
Your Lovely-Awesome Confidante

Diving

I have finally done it. I have hopped out of my cozy closet and have surprised my closest friends. Oh, the look on their unsuspecting faces. The silence was brutal and the awkward, random “uh”s made it no better. Someone had the courage to congratulate me, this humble act made me feel as though I didn’t make a mistake at all. But I honestly believe that I did…

Among the unsuspecting group was a close male friend. We have known each other since grade school. Since that time, we have spent almost every waking minute together: during school, after school, weekends, and he had even attended church with me (when I was forced to go). When I met my girlfriend, our time together lessened, but were still just as close. We have even formed a sibling-like bond.

He took the news the hardest. He stood there, confusion flooding his face. In the middle of all the excitement surrounding my “gayness”, he left without a word of departure. My day began its slow, downward spiral. I called him later that day to see if he was alright, hoping that he was just feeling ill or other and that my news wasn’t the cause of his leaving. I knew that it was just wishful thinking though; my news was the reason he left. No answer. I called a total of 10 times within an hour. Machine.

I fear that my selfishness has just caused me someone dear. I could have waited; brought it on more slowly instead of jumping full speed out of my cave, causing a wide spread panic. It’s too late to return to my comfty closet. I can no longer take residence in the dark. I must complete what I have started. But is it worth losing the people you love in this oh so conservative world? The people that stood by the “straight” me in hard times may just now turn their backs on the “new” me. I’m no longer their dear friend, but a stranger; an unfamiliar face.

They say that there is light at the end of the tunnel; that above these rain-heavy clouds wait a sun, waiting to shine for me. How long am I to wait before the thunderstorms end and the clouds part to reveal the sun that I have so long been waiting for? My umbrella no longer proves helpful and I’m getting drenched out here; outside of my closet.

Non Compos Mentis

I have been debating on whether or not to post anything today, but have decided that I should for the sake of my sanity — if not for anyone else’s.

For the past few days, I’ve been wondering my way through a labrynth of contradictions and lies. I’m stuck, I’ve come to a dead end. I turn around only to find myself at a different stage of confusion. With every step I retrace, my sanity slips. I’m lost. There are no flares to signal my position, no S.O.S to flag down airborne travelers.

So, I sit here, tightly grasping what is left of my lucidity. Fearful that its remains will fade if I dare to take another step towards clarity and understanding.